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Season 1 - Sep. 21, 2003
- play_arrowEps 1: Pilot
- play_arrowEps 2: Big Flappy Bastards
- play_arrowEps 3: Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
- play_arrowEps 4: If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap
- play_arrowEps 5: The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump
- play_arrowEps 6: Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
- play_arrowEps 7: If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
- play_arrowEps 8: Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
- play_arrowEps 9: Phase One, Complete
- play_arrowEps 10: Merry Thanksgiving
- play_arrowEps 11: Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
- play_arrowEps 12: Camel Filters + Pheromones
- play_arrowEps 13: Sara Like Puny Alan
- play_arrowEps 14: I Can't Afford Hyenas
- play_arrowEps 15: Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
- play_arrowEps 16: That Was Saliva, Alan
- play_arrowEps 17: Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats
- play_arrowEps 18: An Old Flame With a New Wick
- play_arrowEps 19: I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
- play_arrowEps 20: Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
- play_arrowEps 21: No Sniffing, No Wowing
- play_arrowEps 22: My Doctor has a Cow Puppet
- play_arrowEps 23: Just Like Buffalo
- play_arrowEps 24: Can You Feel My Finger?
Season 2 - Sep. 20, 2004
- play_arrowEps 1: Back Off Mary Poppins
- play_arrowEps 2: Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
- play_arrowEps 3: A Bag Full of Jawea
- play_arrowEps 4: Go Get Mommy's Bra
- play_arrowEps 5: Bad News from the Clinic
- play_arrowEps 6: The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
- play_arrowEps 7: A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
- play_arrowEps 8: Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
- play_arrowEps 9: Yes, Monsignor
- play_arrowEps 10: The Salmon Under My Sweater
- play_arrowEps 11: Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
- play_arrowEps 12: A Lungful of Alan
- play_arrowEps 13: Get Off My Hair
- play_arrowEps 14: Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
- play_arrowEps 15: Smell the Umbrella Stand
- play_arrowEps 16: Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?
- play_arrowEps 17: Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!
- play_arrowEps 18: It Was Mame, Mom
- play_arrowEps 19: A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise
- play_arrowEps 20: I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
- play_arrowEps 21: A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
- play_arrowEps 22: That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
- play_arrowEps 23: Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
- play_arrowEps 24: Does This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3 - Sep. 19, 2005
- play_arrowEps 1: Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
- play_arrowEps 2: Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
- play_arrowEps 3: Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
- play_arrowEps 4: Your Dismissive Attidude Towards Boobs
- play_arrowEps 5: We Called It Mr. Pinky
- play_arrowEps 6: Hi, Mr. Horned One
- play_arrowEps 7: Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
- play_arrowEps 8: That Voodoo That I Do Do
- play_arrowEps 9: Madame and Her Special friend
- play_arrowEps 10: Something Salted and Twisted
- play_arrowEps 11: Santa's Village of the Damned
- play_arrowEps 12: That Special Tug
- play_arrowEps 13: Humiliation is a Visual Medium
- play_arrowEps 14: Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
- play_arrowEps 15: My Tongue is Meat
- play_arrowEps 16: Ergo, The Booty Call
- play_arrowEps 17: The Unfortunate Little Schnauser
- play_arrowEps 18: The Spit-Covered Cobbler
- play_arrowEps 19: Golly Moses, She's A Muffin
- play_arrowEps 20: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
- play_arrowEps 21: And the Plot Moistens
- play_arrowEps 22: Just Once With Aunt Sophie
- play_arrowEps 23: Arguments for the Quickie
- play_arrowEps 24: That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4 - Sep. 18, 2006
- play_arrowEps 1: Working for Caligula
- play_arrowEps 2: Who's Vod Kanockers?
- play_arrowEps 3: The Sea is a Harsh Mistress
- play_arrowEps 4: A Pot Smoking Monkey
- play_arrowEps 5: A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
- play_arrowEps 6: Apologies for the Frivolity
- play_arrowEps 7: Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
- play_arrowEps 8: Release the Dogs
- play_arrowEps 9: Corey's Been Dead For an Hour
- play_arrowEps 10: Kissing Abraham Lincoln
- play_arrowEps 11: Walnuts and Demerol
- play_arrowEps 12: Castrating Sheep in Montana
- play_arrowEps 13: Don't Worry, Speed Racer
- play_arrowEps 14: That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
- play_arrowEps 15: My Damn Stalker
- play_arrowEps 16: Young People Have Phlegm Too
- play_arrowEps 17: I Merely Slept With a Commie
- play_arrowEps 18: It Never Rains in Hooterville
- play_arrowEps 19: Smooth as a Ken Doll
- play_arrowEps 20: Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
- play_arrowEps 21: Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
- play_arrowEps 22: Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
- play_arrowEps 23: Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
- play_arrowEps 24: Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5 - Sep. 24, 2007
- play_arrowEps 1: Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
- play_arrowEps 2: Media Room Slash Dungeon
- play_arrowEps 3: Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
- play_arrowEps 4: City of Great Racks
- play_arrowEps 5: Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
- play_arrowEps 6: Help Daddy Find His Toenail
- play_arrowEps 7: The Leather Gear is in the Guest Room
- play_arrowEps 8: Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
- play_arrowEps 9: Shoes, Hats, Pickle, Jar Lids.
- play_arrowEps 10: Kinda Like Necrophilia
- play_arrowEps 11: Meander to Your Dander
- play_arrowEps 12: A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
- play_arrowEps 13: The Soil is Moist
- play_arrowEps 14: Winky-Dink Time
- play_arrowEps 15: Rough Night in Hump Junction (aka His Ugly Bundle)
- play_arrowEps 16: Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
- play_arrowEps 17: Fish in a Drawer
- play_arrowEps 18: If My Hole Could Talk
- play_arrowEps 19: Waiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6 - Sep. 22, 2008
- play_arrowEps 1: Taterhead is Our Love Child
- play_arrowEps 2: Pie Hole, Herb
- play_arrowEps 3: Damn You, Eggs Benedict
- play_arrowEps 4: The Flavin' and the Mavin'
- play_arrowEps 5: A Jock Strap in Hell
- play_arrowEps 6: It's Always Nazi Week (1)
- play_arrowEps 7: Best H.O. Money Can Buy
- play_arrowEps 8: Pinocchio's Mouth
- play_arrowEps 9: The Mooch At The Boo
- play_arrowEps 10: He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
- play_arrowEps 11: The Devil's Lube
- play_arrowEps 12: Thank God for Scoliosis
- play_arrowEps 13: I Think You Offended Don
- play_arrowEps 14: David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
- play_arrowEps 15: I'd Like to Start With the Cat
- play_arrowEps 16: She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime
- play_arrowEps 17: The 'Ocu' Or The 'Pado'?
- play_arrowEps 18: My Son's Enormous Head
- play_arrowEps 19: The Two Finger Rule
- play_arrowEps 20: Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau
- play_arrowEps 21: Above Exalted Cyclops
- play_arrowEps 22: Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
- play_arrowEps 23: Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
- play_arrowEps 24: Baseball with Better Steroids
Season 7 - Sep. 21, 2009
- play_arrowEps 1: 818-jklpuzo
- play_arrowEps 2: Whipped Unto the Third Generation
- play_arrowEps 3: Mmm, Fish. Yum.
- play_arrowEps 4: Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
- play_arrowEps 5: For the Sake of the Child
- play_arrowEps 6: Give Me Your Thumb
- play_arrowEps 7: Untainted by Filth
- play_arrowEps 8: Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
- play_arrowEps 9: Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
- play_arrowEps 10: That's Why They Call It Ball Room
- play_arrowEps 11: Warning, It's Dirty
- play_arrowEps 12: Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
- play_arrowEps 13: Yay, No Polyps!
- play_arrowEps 14: Crude and Uncalled For (1)
- play_arrowEps 15: Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)
- play_arrowEps 16: Tinkle Like a Princess
- play_arrowEps 17: I Found Your Moustache
- play_arrowEps 18: Ixnay on the Oggie Day
- play_arrowEps 19: Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
- play_arrowEps 20: I Called Him Magoo
- play_arrowEps 21: Gumby with a Pokey
- play_arrowEps 22: This is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8 - Sep. 20, 2010
- play_arrowEps 1: Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
- play_arrowEps 2: A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
- play_arrowEps 3: A Pudding-Filled Cactus
- play_arrowEps 4: Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
- play_arrowEps 5: The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
- play_arrowEps 6: Twanging Your Magic Clanger
- play_arrowEps 7: The Crazy Bitch Gazette
- play_arrowEps 8: Springtime on a Stick
- play_arrowEps 9: A Good Time In Central Africa
- play_arrowEps 10: Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
- play_arrowEps 11: Dead From the Waist Down
- play_arrowEps 12: Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
- play_arrowEps 13: Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
- play_arrowEps 14: Lookin' for Japanese Subs
- play_arrowEps 15: Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
- play_arrowEps 16: That Darn Priest
Season 9 - Sep. 19, 2011
- play_arrowEps 1: Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
- play_arrowEps 2: People Who Love Peepholes
- play_arrowEps 3: Big Girls Don't Throw Food
- play_arrowEps 4: Nine Magic Fingers
- play_arrowEps 5: A Giant Cat Holding Churro
- play_arrowEps 6: The Squat and The Hover
- play_arrowEps 7: Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
- play_arrowEps 8: Thank You For The Intercourse
- play_arrowEps 9: Frodo's Headshots
- play_arrowEps 10: Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
- play_arrowEps 11: A Lovely Landing Strip
- play_arrowEps 12: One False Move, Zimbabwe!
- play_arrowEps 13: Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
- play_arrowEps 14: A Possum on Chemo
- play_arrowEps 15: The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
- play_arrowEps 16: Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
- play_arrowEps 17: Not In My Mouth
- play_arrowEps 18: The War Against Gingivitis
- play_arrowEps 19: Palmdale, Ech
- play_arrowEps 20: Grandma's Pie
- play_arrowEps 21: Mr. Hose Says Yes
- play_arrowEps 22: Why We Gave Up Women
- play_arrowEps 23: The Straw In My Donut Hole
- play_arrowEps 24: Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10 - Sep. 27, 2012
- play_arrowEps 1: I Changed My Mind About the Milk
- play_arrowEps 2: A Big Bag of Dog
- play_arrowEps 3: Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
- play_arrowEps 4: You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For
- play_arrowEps 5: That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam
- play_arrowEps 6: Ferrets, Attack!
- play_arrowEps 7: Avoid the Chinese Mustard
- play_arrowEps 8: Something My Gynecologist Said
- play_arrowEps 9: I Scream When I Pee
- play_arrowEps 10: One Nut Johnson
- play_arrowEps 11: Give Santa a Tail-Hole
- play_arrowEps 12: Welcome to Alancrest
- play_arrowEps 13: Grab A Feather And Get In Line
- play_arrowEps 14: Run Steven Staven! Run!
- play_arrowEps 15: Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
- play_arrowEps 16: Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
- play_arrowEps 17: Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
- play_arrowEps 18: The 9:04 From Pemberton
- play_arrowEps 19: Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon
- play_arrowEps 20: Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
- play_arrowEps 21: Another Night With Neil Diamond
- play_arrowEps 22: My Bodacious Vidalia
- play_arrowEps 23: Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
Season 11 - Sep. 26, 2013
- play_arrowEps 1: Nangnangnangnang
- play_arrowEps 2: I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
- play_arrowEps 3: This Unblessed Biscuit
- play_arrowEps 4: Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
- play_arrowEps 5: Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
- play_arrowEps 6: Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
- play_arrowEps 7: Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
- play_arrowEps 8: Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
- play_arrowEps 9: Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
- play_arrowEps 10: On vodka, on soda, on blender, on Mixer!
- play_arrowEps 11: Tazed In The Lady Nuts
- play_arrowEps 12: Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
- play_arrowEps 13: Bite Me, Supreme Court
- play_arrowEps 14: Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe
- play_arrowEps 15: Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
- play_arrowEps 16: How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
- play_arrowEps 17: Welcome Home, Jake
- play_arrowEps 18: West Side Story
- play_arrowEps 19: Daddy's Got a Healthy Flavor Stick
- play_arrowEps 20: Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
- play_arrowEps 21: Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
- play_arrowEps 22: Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
Season 12 - Oct. 30, 2014
- play_arrowEps 1: The Ol' Mexican Spinach
- play_arrowEps 2: A Chic Bar in Ibiza
- play_arrowEps 3: Glamping in a Yurt
- play_arrowEps 4: Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
- play_arrowEps 5: Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
- play_arrowEps 6: Alan Shot a Little Girl
- play_arrowEps 7: Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
- play_arrowEps 8: Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
- play_arrowEps 9: Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
- play_arrowEps 10: Here I Come, Pants!
- play_arrowEps 11: For Whom the Booty Calls
- play_arrowEps 12: A Beer Battered Rip-Off
- play_arrowEps 13: Boompa Loved His Hookers
- play_arrowEps 14: Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
- play_arrowEps 15: Of Course He's Dead (1)
Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 21
Walden’s commitment is tested when Zoey and her daughter come to live with him. Meanwhile, Alan gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with Lyndsey